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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
Inside UnRepentants Ribcage's LiveJournal:
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|Sunday, February 21st, 2010|
- I'm literally amazed I'm still alive sometimes.
What's the reason behind this?
One TOUGH couple of days... and the NIGHTS, even worse.
Something must be watching over me. I can't put this down to luck at this point.
|Thursday, September 3rd, 2009|
- Since so much is lacking in my life these days, it makes it difficult for me to see what I do
No "real" family
No sense of security
No faith (in myself, others or a higher power)
I just wish things would improve and soon. My grip is tenuous at best and out right slipping fast at worst.
|Monday, July 20th, 2009|
Temper Flares UnExpectedly at Night Club
- Saturday night started off alright. Wasn't really in the mood to go to the Skin 2
because I am still feeling a little burnt after being burned by J.F. i went because I knew a lot of my friends would be there. Threw on a dress shirt and some jeans and headed down to Cheshire Bridge.
Started off in a good mood. Immediately ran into Nigel who gave me grief for not having a drink. "I JUST got in the door, man!"
"That's no excuse!"
Chatted with Nigel for a bit and some asshole bumped into him and almost sent his wine glass flying. Fuckhead didn't even apologize to him. This was to set the tone for the evening.
Ran into Asterid who gave me a giant hug and told me K.'s car had just got hit by some asshole in the parking lot and K. was busy trying to run him down and confront the guy. Caught up with S. from TN who was loading in C.'s outfit for her stage show. He seemed in a good mood and was ready for a good night. I wandered around a bit, caught up with a few people who just shook my hand and split to the dance floor.
Since I've been out of steady work, my view toward the weekend has been skewed. Since most all of my days are free (consumed by job hunting and what not but not actual "work", per se), the weekends don't mean a hell of a lot to me. When I WAS working, the weekends were for blowing off steam. I had drinks to down, tunes to listen to. I guess I was looking to actually CATCH UP and TALK TO PEOPLE.
You CAN'T do that in an over-crowded, LOUD dance club. I'm not sure why I thought I could do that. Maybe it was that I WANTED to do that, not thinking that that was pretty impossible, given the circumstances.
Anyway, after being the Quick Greet Treatment
, I gave up and just hung at the bar. Got to catch C.'s show (and "wardrobe malfunction". Damn those pasties!). During the show, people kept bumping into me as they passed by. No shit, I must have been run INTO by at least half a dozen people. No one looked twice, no one apologized. After the fourth time I spilled my one drink on my shirt, I was starting to get pissed. Was I just invisible? Since I'm shy, I kind of blend into a crowd but I'm NOT a small person, sizewise. What the fuck was going on here?
Seemed to me that a lot of the people running into me were "Normals". Let me explain: The place I was at used to be a Goth Club. When it first opened, it was mainly Scene People there. In my opinion, I started to dislike the place when "Normal People" showed up - the curious, the fucking Frat Boyz, the Suburb Kids, etc. I'm not really part of the scene (even back then) but the "Normal" people seemed to be there just to gawk, get drunk, score drugs or just be general pains in the ass. Got me. Same thing applied Saturday night. Most of the people that were rude were just "Normals".
The club was VERY crowded and I was getting hot. When I get hot, I get irritable. I was getting more and more pissed off. The heat, the crowds, ANOTHER asshole spilling my tiny Rum n' Coke on my dress shirt. I knew I really wanted to say hi to a lot of people but I was getting very pissed off, very quickly. I decided to jet. I downed my drink just as some short little fuck ran into my elbow, knocking the rest of my drink down my neck. At this point, I was ready to go after the guy - and that just ISN'T me anymore. I admit, I had some true prickish moments back in college & afterwards but I make a real point NOT to be that person anymore. I left - and literally mowed down the last asshole to bump into me. I bumped him into the bar and he hit the floor. I really wanted to go back and grab him but I split. Hit the parking lot and got in the car.
I got a lot of text message from people asking me where I was (even from _______ demanding I show up for the "killer afterparty"). No way, not that night. I SMS'd a few back and apologized that I just wasn't feeling it that night.
The drive home calmed me somewhat but I was still upset about things. I REALLY wanted to talk to a bunch of my friends but I realize that just doesn't happen in night clubs. I'd LIKE to become better friends with people; some people I just rarely see at clubs and that's the extent of our relationship and I'm not too thrilled with that. Maybe since some of my older friends have been giving me a rough time, I'm looking to make new friends. I was pissed off at myself that I almost lost my temper to the point where I was wanting to get in a fight. I'm fucking FOURTY now; those days are behind me. Even as goddamn awful as things are for me now at least I'm not in jail. Prison is not a viable alternative to UnEmployment, Andrew.
I'm upset I missed the fun and my friends and maybe making some new friends but I AM glad that I made a point to leave and cool off.
I guess this entry was just for myself, to kind of step back and figure out what was going on with myself that night.
Not sure if anyone else reads these things anymore. Comments are very appreciated, especially so from my ATL friends (who might have even been there that night). Current Mood: upset and curious about myself
|Thursday, May 21st, 2009|
|Friday, January 2nd, 2009|
Haven't been here in a while...
- I definitely don't begrudge my Ex-wife having a new boyfriend; this just really underscores how deeply ALONE I am. Not just the lack of sex but curling up next to someone at night. Hugs, kisses, backrubs, walking arm in arm.
I can't rationalize trying for a relationship now. I can't afford to feed myself, much less HOUSE myself; how can I afford to take a woman out on a date??
I miss buying flowers for someone. I miss bringing home small gifts just because I thought of my girlfriend. I miss smelling a woman's perfume on my clothing. I miss getting razzed at work that I have a smear of lipstick on my face from kissing a woman. I miss the ache of a bruised pelvic bone from really great sex. ;)
Very little intimacy in my life since 2005. Very hard to forget the good times. Holidays and parties are difficult when it seems most everyone BUT YOU has a boyfriend/girlfriend. My parents and many of my friends are asking why I'm not dating. It's definitely not that I don't WANT to date; I just really REALLY need to improve my situation.
Writing this is upsetting me more than I thought it would. Can't beat myself up on this. Comes too easily.
OK. Enough. Current Mood: pained
|Friday, October 10th, 2008|
Christ, can't I land a goddamn job? Is my ex-Company STILL giving me bad references?!?
Had a bad dream that I wound up on the street because I didn't find a job THIS YEAR. How fucking sad is THAT?!?
I'm just damn tired of trying to keep my chin up for 18 MONTHS now.
I've grown as a person since I started this side journal - but has it all been good? Has it all been worth it?
|Wednesday, May 21st, 2008|
No, I'm not back.
I'm having one of those "Tired of Being Me" months.
Fuck this self-pity stuff; I'm just beat(en) down. No one needs to hear, "We're disappointed (with you)."
from a parent.
I'm hoping you're doing better. Future looks a little brighter and I definitely plan on being more available/sociable when I land a gig and don't have to constantly worry about that Food/Rent/Gasoline thing. But right now I don't even have the energy to try to maintain a happy face when I'm out.
You are in my thoughts even though I'm never here and am still up in the air about deleting my accounts.
Be well, folks.
|Tuesday, February 19th, 2008|
The only consistent item in my failed employment attempts is, apparently, me.
At this time we are not going to be moving forward. They are redirecting their search. If the situation changes I will certainly let you know.
Thank you for your time and your interest.
Jackie (Legal Recruiter)
I think I'm just fucking CURSED. You mean to tell me with 12+ years of design and project management experience I'm not GOOD ENOUGH TO DO FUCKING POWERPOINT PRESENTATIONS?!?
Can I just go hide under my covers? Current Mood: very goddamn frustrated/poor
|Monday, December 31st, 2007|
|Friday, August 17th, 2007|
List of Remembered Abuses of Childhood
Doing some more work on remembering the abuse I had as a child. I'm listing what I remember here just for my own information. The more I can remember, the better my life seems "explained" to me. If I was abused in THIS WAY, it makes sense that I react THAT WAY.
I don't expect anyone to read this. I'm not listing this for sympathy, I'm not fishing for compliments and I'm not making any of this up.
I know this journal isn't being read much at all but this journal was never about popularity at all. Just about me working thru my issues.( Read more...Collapse )
|Friday, August 10th, 2007|
Thoughts on Flirting
- I've never been able to tell if a woman is flirting with me. I guess that stems from being "invisible" since I was a child. Since I grew up with such an abusive parent, I quickly learned to be invisible. My mother was definitely of the Children shouldn't be see OR heard
mind set. I never felt "safe" as a child. My mom could snap anywhere, anytime for no reason at all and I'd be the one who'd wind up getting beaten or yelled at. ( Read more...Collapse )
|Tuesday, June 12th, 2007|
Just a few notes
- I don't consider myself as Religious, per se
, but I do think of myself as Spiritual. I've always been interested in Buddhism. Seems to work well for me. If most of my Demons are inside me, then most of my answers must be inside myself as well.
I recently got invited to attend a long weekend of Buddhist study under a Tibetan Rimpoche. It's coming up in August. I think it's up in the Blue Ridge Mts. I think I'd like to go just to have the experience.
The guy I might go up there with is being a bit of a dick. I mentioned I was doing pretty well with myself and looking to start dating again. He admonished me and said, "Buddhists don't concern themselves with sex."
OK, I don't CLAIM to be a Buddhist. I definitely don't live my life adhering to their tenets. I told this guy he was acting like a total hipocrite since he just gloated the other week about boning his 19-year old neighbor when she was drunk and on the rebound from her boyfriend. This guy's about my age, too. He denied the gloating part and told me "the sex was tantric". I said, "Shut the fuck up, Sting. I'd rather you just told me you needed to get laid then bullshit me that you're suddenly into Tantra."
I think that just pisses me off that I came to accept myself as a sexual being last year. I feel like I've been very unhealthy in that area for most of my life. Now that I'm finally OK with myself (and not thinking I'm a borderline rapist-in-waiting), I'm damn well OK with thinking about sex. I'm enjoying being able to have sexual thoughts and not feeling guilty or horrible or WRONG in thinking those things.
- Other than being unemployed, having next to no $$$ & living in the same house as my venomous toad landlady, I'm doing very well with MY SELF. (Now, THAT was a sentence!) I'm still looking to move out ASAP. I need a job and some income FIRST, I know. I think the past 12 - 18 months was just about SURVIVAL with my situation. Getting THRU my separation and divorce. There were times when I didn't think I WOULD live to see another day. I wouldn't wish last summer on my worst enemy. I was out of my mind for months with stress and not eating or sleeping.
I think I'm ready to move on now. Alex and I divorced back in January and I've accepted and put to rest most of my fears/anxieties/what not that surrounded our marriage, our divorce and our separation. It's up to me to pick up and get on with my life. Living in a healthier place is high on the list. Existing (not living or thriving) in ONE ROOM is not very healthy or satisfying. Living with a worse recluse than myself, a woman who is gradually eating herself to death, is not where I want to be.
I have two magnetic alphabet words up on my closet door. One is "hope" and the other is "furniture". Furniture popped into my head just because I thought to myself one day, "What would I do if I won the lottery?" Travel, new car, pay off debts. Then it dawned on me - I don't OWN any furniture. I laughed about that for a good ten minutes - so, yeah, FURNITURE is one of my inspirational words.
I hope things pick up this year. I could use the sunshine in my life.
- Andrew/UnR Current Mood: contemplative
|Friday, May 4th, 2007|
Just a few quick things
- Since I live in a different area now, I keep passing the historical house where Alex and I got married back in '99. Not intentionally, mind you, I just live in that area. Kind of tough to keep passing that thing. I don't feel like a failure
, per se, just... well, I just wish things went better. Seeing that house makes me remember our wedding. I just wish I were the person I am today back THEN.
Speaking of which, I still have no idea what I'm going to to with our wedding rings. Currently, they're on the arms of Captain Arrggh, the little pirate action figure sitting on my bathroom sink. My ring looks very beat up and I can't help but think about how long it took me to save up and get Alex's ring. They just sit there now...
- Was nice last night to actually check out some women while I was having dinner and at the show. So nice to look at women in a sexual sense and NOT have this overwhelming guilt that THAT IS WRONG TO DO. I'm not blaming Alex, just that I still felt very ashamed for having sexual thoughts PERIOD. Even if you read this, I can't effectively describe how liberating it is to have a "normal" view of sex now. Yes, it sucks that I've been celibate since '05, but it's like being reborn in a way.
That being said, I still don't feel up to going out to a strip club this weekend. I guess it's one thing to check out women and have a few good thoughts - it's another to rent a woman to grind her naked body in my face and then go home to... no one. Going to a strip club now just feels like... I don't know, rubbing it in, in a way, that I'm very alone these days. Just trying to take care of myself and hitting a strip club (especially when I can't really afford it) just seems... kind of masochistic.
- Funny that that Liz girl showed up and ditched me again. I guess it says something that I was able to laugh her off and not let that rejection get to me AGAIN. Am I getting better/mentally healthier?
- I think I need to confront someone about how I'm perceiving some of our interactions. (Boy, is THAT fuckin' vague or what?!?) Is/Was she just fucking with me, just pushing my buttons to see how I reacted? I need to step up and mention it. If it's a error in perception on my end, I'd rather correct it and NOT speculate about it.
I just feel... sexually... retarded. I'm 38 and only starting to think of these things. I wish I had start to heal twenty years ago.
Thanks for stopping by. :)
- Andrew Current Mood: thoughtful
|Tuesday, April 24th, 2007|
Just checking in
- My "job" from 9-5 these days is trying to GET a new job. After that, I've just been reading and doing more work on myself. One of the CDs I picked up by Jon Kabbat-Zin says you should mention you "do" meditation, instead of talking about it, get your butt on a cushion and DO it. So, I'm "not" doing meditation. Doing a lot more work on myself (Damn, how much shit do you have to work thru, Andrew??).
I've always had brutally awful self-esteem. I know this stems from the abuse I suffered as a child. It's EASY to stay in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. I was doing some self-esteem homework in the tub last night. Hey, you should already KNOW I do stuff like that. A tough exercise - most people can quickly come up with 20 things they HATE about themselves. For those of us with awful self-esteem, try coming up with 20 things you LIKE about yourself. It ain't easy, lemme tell ya. But, I managed to do it. I turned into a prune, I was in there so long, but I did it.
Book also mentioned to reconsider our relationships and question whether or not each relationship is a healthy one. Does it negatively affect your self-esteem? And I'm very guilty of that.
The first one that popped into my head was - WORK. My ex-employer was very fucked up on the idea of taking pride in your work. On several annual reviews, I got faulted for taking pride in my work. Very fucked up - every success was OUR success, the DEPARTMENT DID IT. However, every failure was MY failure. You didn't manage this project well. You're supposed to oversee every aspect of production. The worker's mistake was because you didn't communicate better.
Yeah, not very healthy. A definite no win situation. I had let that place grind and grind on me for quite a while so, yes, in a way, I HAVE gotten ride of a relationship that WASN'T too healthy for my self-image.
Some of my olf friends are definitely NOT the nicest or most respectful of people. K. comes to mind pretty quickly. Some of my ATL posse have actually met this guy and shake their heads within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. He's taken it upon himself to send me "inspirational" SMS messages. Since he's seen 300
a few times now (and I think he has a thing for hairless, ripped men in loincloths), it's all SPARTAN stuff. No shit - He sends me What Would Leonitus Do?
stuff. He was there to try to pick me up right after Alex decided she wanted to go thru with the divorce - but he was also the one to tell me after THREE MONTHS that I just needed to GET OVER IT. "The joy is in the REPLACEMENT."
The more I weigh the few positive things against the negative, I'm really wondering WHY I listen to his advice or what have you. Part of me even feels a little bad because I'm starting to like N. more than this guy now - and I've known K. for close to 15 years now. Same thing with a few of my other friends. None of my old buddies came from money so I guess that's why some of them really feel the need to grind it in how much they make or how much they win gambling or how expensive their possesions are. I was never like that even in my Gold Club days. Some still give me grief about being a Designer. When are you going to finally get a REAL JOB?
I've never had the mindset to be able to program - I just CAN'T. I'm of an artistic bent. I can't and don't WANT to sit and fucking code for hours a day. Some people can - and that's OK - but not me. I know being a Designer doesn't mean a lot of $ but it's what I LIKE to do and, I can finally admit, what I damn GOOD at doing.
So, yes, I'm definitely looking at ending a few unhealthy relationships these days. I had enough of a negative cheerleader in MYSELF much less hearing some of the same crap from people I called friends.
I always had problems accepting compliments - it was the criticism that I was so USED to that I was guilty of shrugging off the few compliments I got. I don't think either of my parents ever told me they were proud of me. Even at my college graduation, which my dad didn't show up at, my mom just asked me what job I was getting out of school. Nice.
Well, enough of the critical bullshit. I'm definitely locked in some kinda razor wire Death Match with my inner critic; I don't need any full-o-shit exterior critics anymore.
|Thursday, April 12th, 2007|
Small admission of Fear
- Friend of mine on here posted that "Give me a memory of us / What do you envy about me?" meme yesterday in her journal.
And, it dawned on me: I honestly can't think of ANYTHING anyone would envy about me. Seriously.
Planning on bringing this up with Jeanette next week. Current Mood: intimidated
|Tuesday, April 10th, 2007|
|Thursday, March 29th, 2007|
Just feeling a bit frustrated
- Another "blind" lunch date, another woman dines n' dashes on me. Getting a little tired of this. This is the third one I've been thru.
At the recommendation of one of my friends, I've tried one of the online dating sites, Match.com.
Hasn't worked too well for me. I rarely get any responses much less a woman agreeing to meet me for lunch/drinks/coffee. This is the third one who about ran over me to get out of there when we finished lunch.
I was nice, polite, well dressed. I didn't talk about my divorce, guns, skulls, snipers or anything not really normal. I made her laugh a few times and laughed at her jokes. Didn't spill any food on me or her. Emailed her after lunch and mentioned I'd like to see her again and ... NOTHING. Funny, before lunch, we emailed each other quite a bit.
Just pisses me off she (and the rest) couldn't even give me a "I just didn't feel a connection with you" or something like that. Hurts my feelings. That's pretty shitty to do to someone - just bolt on them and never return their calls. Trying hard not to do the "sour grapes" deal.
I can't help but think it's because of my looks. I still have a problem with that (and I think that will be my main topic tonight at my shrink's). Growing up, my mother never complemented me on how I looked. Always "That suit looks good on you!" type stuff. I've considered myself average looking at best. I didn't ASK to look plain. I didn't just wake up one day and look like this. It's definitely one of the things I need to still work on.
Just wears on me some days. I definitely don't want to be bitter and alone. I don't view this as "the music is stopping and I don't have a chair" or "I have to be with someone so I can be externally validated". I miss being in a relationship. I miss being missed. Current Mood: sad
|Thursday, March 15th, 2007|
- I realize my divorce was two months ago but I'm not OK enough to be teased about it.
SWB - Hey, C. and I are going on vacation next week.
UnR - Really? Where?
SWB - Italy.
UnR - COOL!
SWB - Yeah, it's our 10th anniversary. Where are you and Alex going for your 10th?
Oh, I forgot. >smirk< You're not married anymore. (smile)
Top that off with another online date turning me down ("I'm sorry. You don't look like what I thought.") and it's been a peachy fucking day.
Pass THAT along, mole. Current Mood: more than little pissed/hurt
|Friday, March 2nd, 2007|
|Thursday, January 11th, 2007|
- I realize that my lawyer "does" divorces for a living. Probably has a few or more to do in a week but it pisses me off that he doesn't realize *I*
don't "do" this often. It upsets me that he seems to take this so... casually. I know its just my perception right now but... damn.
Don't act like my getting divorced is not a big deal to ME, Mr. Attorney.
Because it is. Current Mood: worried