UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard (unrepentant) wrote in unrs_ribcage,
UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard
unrepentant
unrs_ribcage

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Checking in with myself



Been slack and haven't written in here for a while. Let me catch up on a few things.



- Trying to get another job (again). My debt after the divorce is pretty damn high. I could use a change in venue plus some added $$$. AmEx turned me down at transfering a balance. I plan on calling Chase and telling them I'll switch unless they knock down my APR ASAP.

- Been in a pissy, short-tempered mood for about two weeks now. Not sure why. Just less patient with people. Tired of having to redo things at work because "someone might not understand it". I don't think I'm anything special because I have a college degree but I can't understand how grown adults (older than I) need everything explained to them three and four times.

Tired of some people in my "real" life as well as LJ who just seem to be extraneous in my life. Tired of investing emotional energy in trying to be friendly to some people who could obviously give a fuck about me. Need to prune some friends here, on MySpace and in my life. I can only work on myself now - it's not up to me to be confessor or counselor to anyone else. Being a friend, a real friend, is not being an emotional tampon for someone all the time.

- Confused about Alex's state of mind even though I've really let her go. Talking with her last weekend just ... confused me. Since I've been in therapy and really been reading books and working on myself, I think I've become pretty open. More social, happier in some ways. Caring, loving in ways I didn't think I could be. Just because my marriage failed and Alex and I didn't have children doesn't mean I will never have the chance for those things ever again. I DO look forward to getting married and hopefully having kids one day. I'm open to more things and the HOPE of more things.

Alex seems to have closed herself off even more. She says she won't get married again or have kids. When she handed over the settlement check from our divorce, she gave me a prize-winning smile and said, "I hope you fucking enjoy it." Just upsets me that she's become someone I don't think I LIKE any more. Some times I worry that I'm the one who pushed her to be like this; most of the time I don't think that at all. It's a choice on her part. I choose NOT to limit myself anymore.

- Planning on saving up to finally take a motorcyle class. I still have a problem thinking I'm WORTH spending money on myself to do anything fun. Money's very tight now but I want to save up and take this class. I've been wanting to do this for more than a few years and didn't because Alex would tease me about it. I want the experience of learning to ride a bike even if getting one won't happen for a while.

I had a weird thought about learning to ride a bike. What if I like it? Why would THAT matter? I think I'm afraid (in a way) of finding a new hobby that I'd enjoy. Gets me out of that comfort zone - get out of The Room, maybe meet some new people.

K. (of K. & N. fame) is rubbing it in that he's getting a $35K custom chopper in April even though he's never really expressed an interest in riding bikes before last year. I think its more along the lines of he wants to be SEEN riding a custom chopper than actually riding a bike because its fun. I don't think he's ridden before, either. Doesn't make a lot of sense to me. Just annoys me that he seems to like rubbing it in quite a bit. Oh yeah, and his bike has a SKULL THEME to it. Nice. "Oh, you know I've always like skulls." Sure. He wants to buy a lot of the ICON jackets I remember showing him last year. I thought they were cool but definitely couldn't afford them. He consistently amazes me with his greed and shallowness.

- My landlady is still very depressed and depressing. If I'm home during the week and especially on the weekend, she mentions to me that I'll "get used to no one inviting me out". That's total crap. I'm sorry she's given up on herself but not me. Not anymore. Sorry, I may not be in a relationship now but that doesn't mean I'm unworthy of being in one or that I don't have any friends who like to see me actually leave The Room on occasion. I don't hang with any of my friends because I pity them and I'd like to think they think the same of me. I wish she'd stop projecting her fear and depression on me. Oh yeah, PS - I'm sorry your cats have adopted me and your dogs wait by the door for me to get in.

- Nice that a small amount of healthy heterosexual thought is in my head these days. I caught myself being proud that I was honestly checking out a woman's legs in a tight skirt on the train the other day. I used to hate myself for having lustful thoughts or just flat out be AFRAID to have them. I wish I had had this healthy view towards sex back when I was actually sexually active or WAY back in my teens. I feel like I have a new & improved view but a little upset that I don't really have a woman to share it with. Not looking for a pity fuck, more like the whole relationship. I want to experience sex without all the guilt and shame I tied in with it before. Tough thing to describe, I guess. Most people are comfortable with sex - it's only a very recent development for me. And that makes me happy. :)

- Been keeping my boundaries up involving Alex and my mom and dad. I allot how much I interact with them; I don't let them dictate the time spent OR let them guilt me. Alex and I really don't have anything to do with each other and I'm pretty OK with that. I don't dwell on the past as much as I used to. Time, QUALITY reflection and QUALITY time with yourself, does heal.

Not sure what else to write. Just been reading and reflecting a lot. Doing some stuff with guided meditation and guided relaxation. I make sure to eat at least one meal a day on the weekends OUT - not for the money but just to eat someplace other than my desk in The Room (which is where I eat almost all my meals). Been going to the park off the river. Walking and feeding the ducks. Good to feel the sun on my face for a change. I feel good that I still smile when I see couples walk by. I'm hopeful I'll be like them again someday.

I guess that'll do it. Again, not sure anyone reads this anymore. Not writing it with an audience in mind - just for myself.

Take care if you're out there,

- Andrew/UnR
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