UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard (unrepentant) wrote in unrs_ribcage,
UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard

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Thoughts on Suicide and My Purpose in Life

The worst part of loading a gun with one bullet, spinning the chamber, putting it to your head and pulling the trigger is the sound of the metallic CLICK of an empty chamber. You'd probably hear a quick explosion if the gun DID fire but then you'd be dead. Hearing the CLICK means you're still alive. In a way, it means you failed to kill yourself... again.

I've had more than a little experience with attempting suicide in my life, most of them while I was in my teens. And, needless to say, I've failed every single time. Not by lack of trying, mind you.

I've tried to overdose five times - few times on prescription meds, once on cocaine, once on the Booze n' Pillz combo. No dice. Friends caught me and made me throw up or ran me to the E.R. Getting your stomach pumped is no fun, take it from me.

Slit my wrist in the bathtub once. This was different than the numerous times I just cut myself to take my mind off things. Slit my left wrist and was fading away quite nicely when a friend read my note sooner than later and yanked me out of the tub, gently but purposefully bleeding to death. Got the stitches, got the lecture, got the business cards. Healed and went on being miserable. Don't put your friends thru hauling your bleeding to death self out of the tub. It's embarassing on a few levels. Cutting yourself for several reasons is one thing but Cutting with the intent to kill yourself is another level.

Tried hanging myself in my closet once. Goddamn pole I tied the noose to pulled out of the sheetrock. Fell and twisted my right ankle. So, yeah, rope burn around the neck for a while plus a sprained ankle. Sucks to be me those few weeks.

I've literally lost track of the times I've put a loaded gun to my head. Snipers claim the first kill is the hardest and then they get easier. I viewed my first suicide attempt like that. Once you cross the line of INTENTIONALLY wanting to end your life, it's very easy to pick it up again. You can feel something let go or die inside you once you made that decision and conciously act upon it. I think the first time I put a loaded gun to my head when was I was 12. Got a hold of an uncle's shotgun, loaded it and put it under my chin and hit the trigger with my toe. Safety was on. Didn't go off. Aunt walked in, noticed me holding the gun, put it away and told me not to play with that because I might hurt myself. Then she made me Toll House cookies.

My longest record for spinning the chamber and pulling the trigger was a little over 20 minutes. I think that was back in '03? My .357 is a seven shot so I had a 14% chance of dying. Spin, click. Spin, click... click. Spin, click. Drink, cry. Spin, click. I honestly KNEW what I had to do to off myself. Just cycle the cylinder to a LOADED chamber and pull the trigger. Couldn't do THAT but I could play spin-click all night.

Even gave thought to Suicide by Cop(s) in 1985. That's an intense story in its own right and I'm not sure I have the courage to tell that and the aftermath just right now. I even sat down and planned out how my death could appear accidental in a few situations. Suicide's just so ... obvious in intent. Man shoots self in head is pretty explanatory. Gave thought to beginning a program of pissing off everyone I knew so I could move away and kill myself and no one would care or come looking for me. Thought better of that.

No, I'm not planning on killing myself now but I bring up the past examples to clarify something that's been on my mind and I brought up to my shrink the other visit I had. I mentioned my Biker Jacket I got and the Mystery St. Christopher medal in there. She said something I've heard more than a few times: "Well, I guess someone's looking out for you."

I blew up, kind of. I mentioned ALL the times in my life that I've tried to committ suicide, all the times I'd get behind the wheel in college indifferent to the high potential of wrecking and dying.

"WHY is someone looking out for me? WHAT IS THE POINT??"

I keep hearing the phrase, "Well, SOMEONE wants you around." Heard that from one of the EMTs once, heard that in the hospital more than a few times. The phrase keeps popping up. WHO wants me around? It obviously wasn't my mother and it wasn't ME most importantly (back in my teens).

It makes me wonder a lot how I've beaten the odds so often when I INTENTIONALLY tried to kill myself so many times and survived. Is it odd to thing that there was some Higher Power looking out for me?

One of the times that I O.D'ed, I had a weird afterdeath experience. I was in the bed, doctors surrounding me, working on me. A younger doctor (intern?) was keeping an eye on my vital signs. "Sixty over... I can't GET a lower number!" He freaked - badly. "He's gonna fucking DIE RIGHT HERE!" I heard the words and really didn't care. FINALLY. I was getting what I wanted. I felt like I was slowly falling downwards. Drifting but very peacefully downward. I remember having a moment of panicking but I knew (KNEW somehow) that everything was going to be OK. I heard a female voice and thought I saw a woman composed of a blue mist (?) who held me close and told me she was glad to see me. I remember crying on her and telling her I was just so TIRED "up there". She smiled and told me she understood. Then, for some reason, she cocked her head and told me, "I'm sorry, it's not your time yet." I was upset. "No! I want to stay here!" She shook her head and let me go. I drifted up and away from her. I woke up in the ICU ward THREE DAYS LATER. Since I'm not religious, I'm sure this was just something I picked up from hearing one of the nurses or something but the experience has stayed with me always.

I don't know why or how I've cheated Death so many times. I don't know if I have a purpose here. Do any of us? What would you do if someone TOLD you your purpose? Could you believe that?

I don't know what the future holds for me. The past 18+ months have been some of the roughest times I've endured in my life but I'm definitely not suicidal and I've made it thru the hardest parts - that's the important thing. I'm still getting up every morning and trying my best to improve myself and my situtation. I wish I knew why I was here but I don't think I'll ever learn that. I've discussed ALL of this with Jeanette and I'm at peace with never knowing. I'm OK at knowing MYSELF instead of why I'm here. I never really knew myself or even accepted myself but I've made great strides at both and I'm not quitting the journey now. No way.

So, after reading this, don't judge me too harshly if you're one of the few people on here who DO interact with me in person. Yes, the .357 I take to the range is the same gun I've tried to kill myself with. Yes, now you know the reasons and stories behind my main userpic; I use it now as a cautionary reminder to myself. Yes, I'm still the same person I've always been - you just know some painful past history about me. You make the call if you still want to be friends knowing what you know.

Take care,

- Andrew
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