UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard (unrepentant) wrote in unrs_ribcage,
UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard

Just checking in

- My "job" from 9-5 these days is trying to GET a new job. After that, I've just been reading and doing more work on myself. One of the CDs I picked up by Jon Kabbat-Zin says you should mention you "do" meditation, instead of talking about it, get your butt on a cushion and DO it. So, I'm "not" doing meditation. Doing a lot more work on myself (Damn, how much shit do you have to work thru, Andrew??).

I've always had brutally awful self-esteem. I know this stems from the abuse I suffered as a child. It's EASY to stay in a relationship, even if it's a bad one. I was doing some self-esteem homework in the tub last night. Hey, you should already KNOW I do stuff like that. A tough exercise - most people can quickly come up with 20 things they HATE about themselves. For those of us with awful self-esteem, try coming up with 20 things you LIKE about yourself. It ain't easy, lemme tell ya. But, I managed to do it. I turned into a prune, I was in there so long, but I did it.

Book also mentioned to reconsider our relationships and question whether or not each relationship is a healthy one. Does it negatively affect your self-esteem? And I'm very guilty of that.

The first one that popped into my head was - WORK. My ex-employer was very fucked up on the idea of taking pride in your work. On several annual reviews, I got faulted for taking pride in my work. Very fucked up - every success was OUR success, the DEPARTMENT DID IT. However, every failure was MY failure. You didn't manage this project well. You're supposed to oversee every aspect of production. The worker's mistake was because you didn't communicate better. Yeah, not very healthy. A definite no win situation. I had let that place grind and grind on me for quite a while so, yes, in a way, I HAVE gotten ride of a relationship that WASN'T too healthy for my self-image.

Some of my olf friends are definitely NOT the nicest or most respectful of people. K. comes to mind pretty quickly. Some of my ATL posse have actually met this guy and shake their heads within the first 5 minutes of meeting him. He's taken it upon himself to send me "inspirational" SMS messages. Since he's seen 300 a few times now (and I think he has a thing for hairless, ripped men in loincloths), it's all SPARTAN stuff. No shit - He sends me What Would Leonitus Do? stuff. He was there to try to pick me up right after Alex decided she wanted to go thru with the divorce - but he was also the one to tell me after THREE MONTHS that I just needed to GET OVER IT. "The joy is in the REPLACEMENT."

The more I weigh the few positive things against the negative, I'm really wondering WHY I listen to his advice or what have you. Part of me even feels a little bad because I'm starting to like N. more than this guy now - and I've known K. for close to 15 years now. Same thing with a few of my other friends. None of my old buddies came from money so I guess that's why some of them really feel the need to grind it in how much they make or how much they win gambling or how expensive their possesions are. I was never like that even in my Gold Club days. Some still give me grief about being a Designer. When are you going to finally get a REAL JOB? I've never had the mindset to be able to program - I just CAN'T. I'm of an artistic bent. I can't and don't WANT to sit and fucking code for hours a day. Some people can - and that's OK - but not me. I know being a Designer doesn't mean a lot of $ but it's what I LIKE to do and, I can finally admit, what I damn GOOD at doing.

So, yes, I'm definitely looking at ending a few unhealthy relationships these days. I had enough of a negative cheerleader in MYSELF much less hearing some of the same crap from people I called friends.

I always had problems accepting compliments - it was the criticism that I was so USED to that I was guilty of shrugging off the few compliments I got. I don't think either of my parents ever told me they were proud of me. Even at my college graduation, which my dad didn't show up at, my mom just asked me what job I was getting out of school. Nice.

Well, enough of the critical bullshit. I'm definitely locked in some kinda razor wire Death Match with my inner critic; I don't need any full-o-shit exterior critics anymore.
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