- Since I live in a different area now, I keep passing the historical house where Alex and I got married back in '99. Not intentionally, mind you, I just live in that area. Kind of tough to keep passing that thing. I don't feel like a failure, per se, just... well, I just wish things went better. Seeing that house makes me remember our wedding. I just wish I were the person I am today back THEN.
Speaking of which, I still have no idea what I'm going to to with our wedding rings. Currently, they're on the arms of Captain Arrggh, the little pirate action figure sitting on my bathroom sink. My ring looks very beat up and I can't help but think about how long it took me to save up and get Alex's ring. They just sit there now...
- Was nice last night to actually check out some women while I was having dinner and at the show. So nice to look at women in a sexual sense and NOT have this overwhelming guilt that THAT IS WRONG TO DO. I'm not blaming Alex, just that I still felt very ashamed for having sexual thoughts PERIOD. Even if you read this, I can't effectively describe how liberating it is to have a "normal" view of sex now. Yes, it sucks that I've been celibate since '05, but it's like being reborn in a way.
That being said, I still don't feel up to going out to a strip club this weekend. I guess it's one thing to check out women and have a few good thoughts - it's another to rent a woman to grind her naked body in my face and then go home to... no one. Going to a strip club now just feels like... I don't know, rubbing it in, in a way, that I'm very alone these days. Just trying to take care of myself and hitting a strip club (especially when I can't really afford it) just seems... kind of masochistic.
- Funny that that Liz girl showed up and ditched me again. I guess it says something that I was able to laugh her off and not let that rejection get to me AGAIN. Am I getting better/mentally healthier?
- I think I need to confront someone about how I'm perceiving some of our interactions. (Boy, is THAT fuckin' vague or what?!?) Is/Was she just fucking with me, just pushing my buttons to see how I reacted? I need to step up and mention it. If it's a error in perception on my end, I'd rather correct it and NOT speculate about it.
I just feel... sexually... retarded. I'm 38 and only starting to think of these things. I wish I had start to heal twenty years ago.
Thanks for stopping by. :)