UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard (unrepentant) wrote in unrs_ribcage,
UnRepentant, The Former Cranky UnDead Bastard

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Just a few notes

- I don't consider myself as Religious, per se, but I do think of myself as Spiritual. I've always been interested in Buddhism. Seems to work well for me. If most of my Demons are inside me, then most of my answers must be inside myself as well.

I recently got invited to attend a long weekend of Buddhist study under a Tibetan Rimpoche. It's coming up in August. I think it's up in the Blue Ridge Mts. I think I'd like to go just to have the experience.

The guy I might go up there with is being a bit of a dick. I mentioned I was doing pretty well with myself and looking to start dating again. He admonished me and said, "Buddhists don't concern themselves with sex."

OK, I don't CLAIM to be a Buddhist. I definitely don't live my life adhering to their tenets. I told this guy he was acting like a total hipocrite since he just gloated the other week about boning his 19-year old neighbor when she was drunk and on the rebound from her boyfriend. This guy's about my age, too. He denied the gloating part and told me "the sex was tantric". I said, "Shut the fuck up, Sting. I'd rather you just told me you needed to get laid then bullshit me that you're suddenly into Tantra."

I think that just pisses me off that I came to accept myself as a sexual being last year. I feel like I've been very unhealthy in that area for most of my life. Now that I'm finally OK with myself (and not thinking I'm a borderline rapist-in-waiting), I'm damn well OK with thinking about sex. I'm enjoying being able to have sexual thoughts and not feeling guilty or horrible or WRONG in thinking those things.

- Other than being unemployed, having next to no $$$ & living in the same house as my venomous toad landlady, I'm doing very well with MY SELF. (Now, THAT was a sentence!) I'm still looking to move out ASAP. I need a job and some income FIRST, I know. I think the past 12 - 18 months was just about SURVIVAL with my situation. Getting THRU my separation and divorce. There were times when I didn't think I WOULD live to see another day. I wouldn't wish last summer on my worst enemy. I was out of my mind for months with stress and not eating or sleeping.

I think I'm ready to move on now. Alex and I divorced back in January and I've accepted and put to rest most of my fears/anxieties/what not that surrounded our marriage, our divorce and our separation. It's up to me to pick up and get on with my life. Living in a healthier place is high on the list. Existing (not living or thriving) in ONE ROOM is not very healthy or satisfying. Living with a worse recluse than myself, a woman who is gradually eating herself to death, is not where I want to be.

I have two magnetic alphabet words up on my closet door. One is "hope" and the other is "furniture". Furniture popped into my head just because I thought to myself one day, "What would I do if I won the lottery?" Travel, new car, pay off debts. Then it dawned on me - I don't OWN any furniture. I laughed about that for a good ten minutes - so, yeah, FURNITURE is one of my inspirational words.

I hope things pick up this year. I could use the sunshine in my life.

Take care,

- Andrew/UnR
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